Tag: life

Greetings all,

Some changes are in motion.

As mentioned in my previous blog, one of those changes was meeting my soulmate, Taryn.
Since then, the concept for Taryn of being a returned soul is slowly beginning to be absorbed, although still with much resistance.
Observing her assimilate the concept has helped to remind me of when I first discovered the truth about my identity and the initial emotional experiences (memories) I had, and how I have wanted to deny and run away from that reality.
How angry I was/am about being someone different than what my mind was telling me that I am, and the gravity of what that means if I surrender to it.
Angry at God for allowing it (ironically it was our souls choice, not a directive from God).
Angry to have to deal with more intense terror, grief and loss than the average person,
Angry that it’s something that I can’t fight, yet I’ve kept on trying.
Angry that I will never have a normal life like everyone else.
Angry how psychologically disturbing it is.
I’ve been stuck in an angry holding pattern for so long now.

It has been over a decade long struggle of anger and resistance, knowing that once the truth Genie is let out of the bottle, it can’t be put back.
And it’s something that just bugs you until you are willing to accept it.
I know that allowing emotions to naturally be experienced opens you up to truth; it’s what helped me discover the truth of my real identity.
In the personal struggle to accept/deny who I am, I tried to close the door to that specific truth.
Trying to shut down the feelings associated with one issue unfortunately causes a progressive shutting-down/numbing of all emotions.
Even trying to write this blog I find it difficult to connect more deeply to what I would really like to share/say is an effect of this shutting down, which I do not like.
I thought denial of who I am was OK for for a long time. It is really not!

For many years I’ve always had some fanciful hope that I’d be able to figure out our souls purpose without having to go through all the memories and associated grief and terror.
It simply just does not work that way, for myself or anyone!
Fighting is exhausting.
Denial hasn’t worked, I’ve got the evidence of that and I’m personally experiencing the effects of my prior choices.
I’m getting older, I’m not happy and haven’t been for a long time, I’m not doing what my souls purpose really is and I miss the depth that I used to feel before I found out who I am.
My life has become much worse by honouring my fear, but there is another choice!
The process of surrender and acceptance is the most logical and loving direction if I ever want to be happy.
I feel some apprehension with the depth of the pain that I will have to feel, and I don’t know where the truth will take me and what the outcome will be.
This denial and resistance has had many flow on effects.

Another change in my life is that I’m no longer a Director or member of God’s Way organisation.
The Directors of God’s Way Ltd. came to the decision that it was no longer suitable or loving for me to be in a leadership role until I sort through these long standing issues.
Since meeting Taryn we have been under much more spirit pressure and even more so when involved with God’s Way Ltd.
We both have strong co-dependent addictions with spirits and unless we no longer desire those addictions, it puts others at risk.
Due to strong emotions (mostly life threatening memories) I have from my 1st Century life, I don’t want to feel weak and thus want to feel powerful over the fear in challenging situations. Until recently I wasn’t aware of the severity of my projections on others and how I was potentially harming them due to my lack of humility.

Whilst I am sad about my reduced involvement with the organisation for the time being, I am also appreciative of the opportunity to have more time to focus on that area of my life that needs some dedicated attention if I’m sincere about desiring something different.
In fact, I have been afforded a generous opportunity.
Jesus and Mary know from personal experience the extensive amount of emotional work that is required for any one of the 14 to work through what is required to accept and surrender to the truth of who we are.
This takes time, commitment and consistency.
They know that I (and Taryn) will need time to be able to work through issues of love and make important choices for our life.
Particularly the choice to connect to our soul and the desire to discover what we came to give.

As I’ll no longer be in a leadership role with God’s Way, please consider these recent changes in your desire to provide any further financial support.
I will be receiving paid work from Jesus & Mary in assisting the building team approximately 9 days a month for a period of time.
This began from the start of December and will be enough to meet my basic living expenses.
I dearly thank everyone for all your donations thus far.
Your generosity has greatly assisted to support me with day to day living expenses and I am truly grateful for.
Additionally, I have had this blog post in a draft and been making changes to it and never have felt 100% happy with it and therefore it has been delayed in getting it out as promptly as I would have liked. (by the start of December at the latest)
Given these changes, if you have donated recently and would like a refund please contact me directly to facilitate that.
Contact: corny.aka.cornelius@gmail.com

Another change in my life is that Taryn and I have decided to live together.
Since meeting, we have been living separately in close proximity but on different properties.
This allowed us time and space apart as we got to know one another, however ultimately it aided in us avoiding our issues with each other.
Specifically for me I was avoiding responsibility, particularly in regards to the children, which I have great resistance to.
Living together will offer an opportunity to be more involved in each other’s life and for issues of love to be exposed and worked through.
We still need our own space to feel when challenges arise, however as long as we are dedicated to working through those issues, we know it can work.
The ultimate plan would be for us to design and build a house on my property, but that would take up considerable time.
Time at the moment is such a valuable resource and we want to make sure that the focus is on working through our issues.
So, in the meantime we decided to buy a flat pack transportable cabin that will serve the purpose of a bathroom, bedroom and living area (or another bedroom), but can get us additional space quickly.
Ever since I’ve been on this 40-acre property, I have lived in a shed that is partly decked out like a house, but has no internal running water or bathroom, and instead has an outdoor camp shower and a basic composting toilet. (as seen on first blog post)
It has 3 bedrooms and a small kitchen however, we’re installing a new kitchen that will be more functional and practical for a family.
We will later add another off-grid cabin further away from the shed area that either of us can use for private time when we need space but without abdicating our responsibilities to each other or the children.
That is the primary plan so far.
In the future we felt that because many people are coming from overseas to be involved in God’s Way activities, that we would like to offer these cabins as visitor accommodation.

In a closing note, I would like to thank Jesus, Mary, Eloisa and Phoebe, for their love, kindness, support, patience, and assistance in helping me to become a better person, and guiding me to the avenues that block me to finding myself.

I’m looking forward to what this new future will present.

My love to all.
Cornelius.